WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE: There are credible reports this afternoon that the joint Tory Labour Party talks have broken down. This without finding a way to deliver baby Brexit.
Do not expect sources from either party to suggest that the problem was Brexit, but rather they’ll blame one another, as agreed, at the start of the talks.
“It was a time wasting exercise,” our political correspondent reports, “both party leaderships decided the most fruitful way to deal with the unsolvable issue of Brexit was to waste more time. That’s the only way to deal with Brexit. Just keep wasting time and hope WW3 breaks out in the interim and means you can finally ignore it.”
But a non-partisan source revealed that’s not right at all.
“They agreed on a lot very quickly, within the opening minutes,” the source is certain, “they agreed they both wanted to respect the will of the people, regardless of how narrow the result, how dumb the question or the evidence of illegality in the advisory referendum campaign,
“They agreed that they both had deep seated ideological reasons for wanting out of the EU, regardless of the endless evidence of harm to real people’s lives. Or indeed what it will mean to be an isolated country in the 21st century world of regional power blocs,
“And they agreed that they needed to just give the people enough time to get bored with it all and give up and let them do it. Just to make it go away. It was all very easy.”
So what was the problem?
“They decided they had to make it look difficult. So they decided to spend several weeks binging on shows on Netflix. That’s when the disagreement started.”
“Theresa wanted to search for ‘Will of the People’, but Jeremy was adamant they should watch ‘Battleship Potemkin’ followed by ‘I Am Cuba’. But Theresa couldn’t think of a second film she wanted to watch. Without a balance they couldn’t agree to swap favourite films. So they then spent the next six weeks trawling through Netflix, watching previews, before giving it up in despair.”
Makes sense. We’ve all been there.