NEVER MIND THE BARNET : Boris Johnson is rumoured today to be going to the barbers again to get a new hairstyle to hoover up the youth vote.
“It’ll take the wind right out of young Rory’s sails,” an aide to Britain’s first prospective prime minister to be summoned to trial while on campaign said, “he’s thinking either a mullet or a mohawk. A hairstyle that’ll show the kids how hip he is but also trigger nostalgia in older voters.”
Which one he goes for won’t be clear until he premieres it with a high production video release later in the week.
“We’re going to film the action in the barbers in a fly on the wall style documentary. A stunt man will play the really tricky parts, like shutting up when the barber is using a razor to shave the sides of his scalp.”
Plans to go further and have tattoos added to the side of his head have been binned though due to problems with the design.
“It was felt sensible to go Viking, you know, Ragnor Lothbrok style, with Boris Johnson’s story tattooed alongside his head, but then we started storyboarded his life’s journey so far and it was quickly apparent we’d have to lie too much. It wasn’t clear the ink would take to adultery and just an epic amount of bullshit.”
How the other contender for the Tory crown, Rory Stewart, will respond to this naked bid for his core voter base is not yet clear.
“Little Matt is already doing parkour and indoor cricket. Rory is on his walkabouts, seemingly a sensible chap, but still promising Brexit, so actually completely insane, just like the rest of them. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he hits back at Boris with a nose piercing.”
Rumours that Dominic Raab is going to outdo the new Boris barnet with an epic session of planking are thought viable, because he’s already thick as two planks, so why not play to his strengths?