FELL IN WITH A BAD CROWD: Today seems to be the day for Tory contenders for the premiership to air their dirty laundry, before someone else does.
Leadsom said she’s on Meth, or something, Raab drinks the blood of virgins or similar, Gove is Pablo Escobar, McVey is addicted to the tears of the poor, Boris smokes crack, but only with hookers when on holiday, we think that’s what he said, we maybe wrong, and now Jeremy Hunt is fessing up.
”When I saw Rory Stewart’s confession to video that all his walking is because he’s actually a drug mule for a Russian organised crime syndicate, moving gear from major towns to small, I knew it was time to come clean,” Jeremy Hunt is imagined as saying,
“so I am going to open my own cupboard and just let that horrible skeleton fall out. This way it won’t trip me up later in the campaign. I want it understood too that we didn’t all agree that Saturday was confession day. It’s just turned out that way.”
All well and good, but where’s the confession?
”I hope that my supporters, and voters in general, will appreciate I was young at the time. Like many young people I temporarily fell in with a bad crowd and my behaviour was influenced, briefly.”
Did he shoot up? Did he make hash cakes maybe and feed them to old ladies?
”Clearly we all need a second chance, say when you forget to declare half a dozen luxury flats on the member’s list of interests. Funny how no amount of wrongdoing gets you in actual trouble as an MP. It’s a very good system in terms of instant redemption.”
Just confess already.
”Anyway, here is it is, this is what I did, and I’m terribly sorry and I’ve regretted it ever since. In my youth I paid tax once. I’m sorry. Ever since I’ve done all I can to stop it happening again. And to help other Tories avoid the same traps.”