TRAM LINES OF DEEP REGRET : TORY leadership contender Michael Gove had seemed to get away with his confession to cocaine use over the weekend, but now questions are being raised as to whether or not his Class A drug use is really in the past? Or perhaps completely out of control.
Which would explain a thing or two.
“It was bad enough he was confessing to recreational drug use when he’d championed a zero tolerance approach to the issue during his time as Education Secretary,” our resident chopper says,
“but now it seems he’s gone and left a large rucksack containing 25 Tablets, a large amount of white powder, small snap bags containing white rocks, snap bags containing white powder and even his scales on a tram! At least that’s the way we’ve interpreted the Sky News article. I don’t know if he can recover from this, if it is proven the drugs were his.”
Quite how high you’d have to be to forget an entire bag is a good question and seasoned drug mules are being approached for opinions.
“Great Manchester Police Trafford North will be tweeting at the suspect’s Twitter address tonight,” our specialist says, “They’re just writing the hashtags now, but #thoughtfuldealer and #honeyiforgotmydrugs are believed to be the pick of a pile of ideas.”
As to possible explanations, alongside extreme drug use, for forgetting the drug stash, there is a likely explanation.
“He was pretty aggressive at his campaign launch today, even mocking Boris Johnson over knifing him in the back last time,” our specialist muses, “he was probably itching for a few lines and wanted to take it out on someone. It’s a good policy. Johnson is a classic bully. If he fears he’s going to get hurt it will make him more likely to back away from the fight. And hell, Gove high on amphetamines and God knows what else? He’ll probably try and wrestle you naked when you least expect it.”
Other theories are that Gove was planning a give away with his campaign speech, much like Boris Johnson.
“Only Gove was planning to give away Class A’s instead of tax breaks and then screwed it up by leaving the entire goodie bag on the tram.”
Enquiries are ongoing.