Brexit dividend announced as there are now ten horsemen of the apocalypse

The enlargement of the traditional Four Horsemen to ten was announced today. This Brexit dividend means that six new names need to be found.

Of the original four, who represents which is moot. “Well, I’m clearly Famine,” boasted Esther McVey on the World At One. “My record with Universal Credit, and the rolling out of food banks, make it quite obvious.”

No argument there, but who wants to be Death? “I can’t be Death as well!” trilled McVey. “No, I’m clearly Death,” replied Matt Hancock. “It’s in the Health Secretary’s job description!”

There is some dispute over who should be Pestilence. “I’m Pestilence!” cried Jeremy C. Hunt. “I’m Pestilence” yelled Sajid Javid. “I’m Pestilence, and so is my wife!” shouted Andrea Leadsom.

In fact, the true identity of Pestilence is Environment Secretary and junkie extraordinaire, Michael Gove.

Death, Famine, Pestilence, and… The Other One. The only contender to be The Other One is Mark “Who?” Harper.

“This is no good!” observed Boris Johnson, galloping into sight. “Half way through the article, and only just getting around to Boris? How very dare you!”

Boris brought his horse to an undignified halt in his accustomed manner. “By the way, I’m Conquest, if only of impressionable young fillies!” he wibbled.

LCD’s editorial staff have been Labouring long into the night to create suitable names for the remaining Horsemen. These descriptions were passed under the nose of our Religious Disputes correspondent, who passed them without comment after being tied to a chair and denied sleep pending their approval.

So, in no particular order, we present to you the following Horsemen. Instead of the equally accurate Pestilence, Jeremy C. Hunt is Arrogance, Sajid Javid is Betrayer Of Roots, and Andrea Leadsom is Parenthood.

That leaves Dominic Raab, prorogue pretender and Dover denier, to take the mantle of Idiocy. And finally the faux innocent ‘Tory Rory’ Stewart will henceforth be known as Feigned Reasonableness.

Now let’s sit back and watch them drive the Big Red Brexit Bus off the cliff edge. Popcorn, anyone?

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