TOSSING UP A WORD SALAD : The UK’s next prime minister (well, maybe) has given a candid early morning interview, part of a media blitz, in which he described the way he writes his speeches.
“I get these hard little cans, tins, tins that have food letters inside, you know, aaaaaaah, those little alphabet foods, and then I, I, I get my maid to find the can opener before scooping out the food letters inside,” he told a baffled radio journalist,
“then I smear the letters all over my face. I paint my face in them with my palms. It’s quite messy. I always need a shower after it, but I make sure to pick off the letters before I get into the shower so it doesn’t block up the plug hole,
“plug holes are very interesting places. Whole worlds. Worlds like you can find on Star Trek. When I have enough letters I take the ones that stuck to my cheeks and I place them in a line on the sofa. A white sofa so you can see the words as you write them. Then I commit it all to memory. It’s how I write my speeches. All of them. All the time. Alphabet spaghetti. An amazing British invention. It’s how I unwind.”
The interviewer just stared. The country just stared. The entire world just stared and decided we have now given up all pretence to still being a serious country.
It doesn’t have to be this way.