SOWING AND REAPING : DEFRA, under orders from the top of Government (NYC – Murdoch) has released a ‘No Deal Brexit’ guide for the farming sector today to help them better navigate the opportunities Brexit brings to that most earthy of sectors.
“We wanted to lay out a path for farmers to wander down should the unlikely event of a No Deal Brexit come to pass,” A Jolly Green Giant, spokesman for DEFRA, told LCD Views, “many farmers are now asking how they’re supposed to harvest their crops without EU migrant workers? The answer is really very simple. Crop rotation. Tried and tested. Traditional and effective.”
So you advise them to grow food that is less reliant on manual labour?
“Not quite. It’s even simpler. Crop rotation applied to No Deal Brexit is a one turn, a single rotation on the dial. You merely go from crops to no crops. Problem solved.”
But won’t that lead to food shortages?
“Oh, we aren’t claiming to have a crystal ball. We can’t possibly model the impact of not planting food on agriculture.”
Surely, like most things Brexit, whatever the technicalities, it’s actually very simple to forecast. No crops means no food.
“Haven’t you heard that people have had quite enough of experts?”
But they haven’t had quite enough of food.
“There we differ. Obesity is on the rise. Obesity is caused by food. So this strategy is set to save the country millions in health costs. We advise people to use the 5/2 diet. But just to rotate the numbers around once. Instead of fasting for two days, fast for five! It’s very straightforward.”
Tighten your belt?
“Exactly. If you’re lucky you’ll be able to fit into that prize pair of jeans you haven’t been able to wear for twenty years. Remember, worried about food supplies in the event of Brexit? Don’t worry. We’ve got it covered. At least for the catering in parliament.”