Peach coloured presidential primate Donald Trump has hit back at accusations of being inept and insecure. I’m not uncompetent, claims the Ralph Wiggum of international politics.
“I’m not unsecure either!” he tweeted from the presidential toilet. “I’m the most secure guy ever, I’m so secure I don’t need the security forces trying to secure me. I want to break free!”
Trump soon warmed to his theme, sending off a barrage of tweets defending his record. “FAKE NEWS ALERT!! People say I’m unept. Well, that’s the Dems for you! In fact I’m the mostest eptest person in the world! I’m simply the ept, epter than all the rest!”
He went on to list his achievements, some of which actually had a grain of truth in them. All in a totally not insecure fashion, of course.
“I was actually the first man on the moon,” he tweeted. “But I let Neil Armstrong take the glory, because I’m such a modest guy. I’m the most modest, humble guy you will ever meet! One small step? Giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon!”
He mentioned his Mexican wall, naturally. “The wall is nearly complete! It’s bigly, bestly and covfefe,” read a gnomic missive sent in the middle of the night. “I go and help out all the time, even though I ain’t got no time! It’s just another brick in the wall.”
He couldn’t quite duck his low approval ratings, though. “It’s a which hunt!” he blasted. “A conspiracy! RESIDENTIAL HARRASMENT! Crooked Obama’s ratings were lower! The only way is up!”
The infamous shutdowns got a mention, too. “I have the longest shutdowns, nobody has a longer shutdown than me, but don’t ask Stormy Daniels, she has never seen my shutdown,” he dribbled. “It’s good, a long one, no need to pay people for not working. Money for nothing, chicks for free!”
Then, I suppose he does work eight days a week.