UK’s ambassador to US advised to use euphemism ‘alt-competence’ instead of ‘inept’

TRUMPANIA : The United Kingdom’s executive has issued fresh guidance for diplomats posted in the United States today as the furore over Darroch’s too honest description of Trump’s administration rages.

“A telegram was sent to all outposts in the former colony,” an FCO source told LCD Views, “by order of Downing Street. This is to ensure the return of a special relationship, so, so special, between the two former allies.”

The guidance, containing better words than the words we had before, has been issued because it’s infeasible to expect Brexiters won’t continue to leak confidential communication to the press. And if the leaker is found, they’ll probably be protected, as it will be deemed to be too ‘politically sensitive’ to bring the law to bear on them. That’s because we don’t appear to want to do rule of law anymore. What will you sacrifice for Brexit?

“They have to destroy all semblance of a modern, functioning, accountable government,” the source shrugged, “all SO they can achieve their dream of returning the UK to a feudal state.”

Touchstone words like ‘inept’ are to be replaced now by better compound ones such as ‘alt-competence’.

“There’s also ‘post-functional’ instead of dysfunctional. ‘Neo-intelligence’ in place of ‘thick as pigshit’. The list will be added to each time the special, working committee set up to deal with the Darroch incident invents a new word or compound.”

There’s also guidance for descriptive phrases to use in place of more direct speech.

“Works well independently, that’s a good one for someone who is incapable of being a team player. You’ll be lucky to get them to work for you, another cracker. We all know what they mean. Self-starter with a vivid imagination. It’s for the best.”

The diplomatic row is expected to carry on for a few days. At least until Donald Trump gauges that the press attention over his alleged child sex trafficking mate Epstein has cooled down some.

“Boris Johnson can help throw oil on troubled waters too,” the source added, “once he takes office as Prime Minister. After he throws oil onto the troubled waters he’ll accidentally flick a lit match to it.”

Global Britain. It is a silly place.

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