Who needs EU? Not Jacob Rees-Mogg, who is getting all jingoistic because England won the cricket world cup on a technicality.
“One has updated the popular chant,” said the Georgian throwback, choosing his words with seemingly forensic precision. “Nanny says it’s healthy to retain an interest in the lower orders.”
The chant now goes, two world wars and TWO world cups. All without being part of the EU.
“Well, of course technically we are still part of the EU,” commented the pompous pipecleaner. “But the world cup win was nothing to do with their pettifogging bureaucracy or their funding of random minorities. It was one hundred percent English grit and courage. I am persuaded that our great victory would have been even more comprehensive if Brexit had already happened!”
Leaving aside the facts that freedom of movement enabled England to field an Irishman as captain, and that several team members are from immigrant families, England teams have won other world cups. In women’s cricket, for example.
“Unfortunately that doesn’t count,” claimed the top-hatted beanpole. “I expect women bowl underarm, and they use a tennis ball, probably, and they have to stop to make tea for their husbands every five minutes. It’s not the same!”
Not to mention all the times we won the rugby world cup.
“That doesn’t fit my argument, so I am going to ignore it completely,” argued the inexpert expert. “Cricket is the nation’s national sport, so it counts. Association football is popular, and vitally important because of all the money involved, of course. We won two wars against the EU on our own, and one world cup before we joined the EU, and now one when we are about to leave. The EU is the common enemy. England stands alone!”
At this point, the doctors returned to ensure Mr Rees-Mogg was safely in his straitjacket.
Win means win. A tied game, and a tied tie-breaker, decided eventually using an obscure rule. Obviously an overwhelming victory.
At least it’s only a game. Nobody would ever decide the future of a whole country like this.