Outgoing Prime Minister Theresa May has one last trick up her sleeve. Before she exits stage left, pursued by a Boris, she is planning to booby trap her successor. Her final act as PM will be to revoke Article 50 in secret.
“Booby trap means booby trap,” warned Number Ten spokesman Torr Tology. “It means everything, and nothing. May will have her revenge on the saboteurs, the bastards, the traitors. It will be sweet to stick two very British fingers up at Boris Johnson, who is a bigger danger to the Conservative Party than any policy he could possibly dream up.”
Boris Johnson was not impressed. “What a load of contemporaneous gibberish!” he waffled, waving a limp fish excitedly. “I call it Theresa, the fish I mean. I’ve stitched her up like a kipper!”
“I’ve got a fish too!” called Jeremy Hunt from the sidelines. “Look at me! Look at me! My fish has a name as well! I call it… err… um… Fishy McFishface!”
It’s not about the fish, of course. That’s another distraction, another of Boris’ schoolboy pranks on the world stage.
“Don’t make the mistake of thinking Theresa doesn’t have the balls to do it,” said Tology, ominously. “She has more balls than a snooker club!”
It would be the ultimate snook to cock. What better way to leave your mark on history?
“It would be an admission of failure,” agreed Tology. “And Tories never do that unless there is some political advantage to be gained. It’s also a massive vote of no confidence in her likely successor. It makes her leave office as an unlikely hero!”
To borrow her own terminology, making herself a loser will actually make her one of the biggest winners. That’s how Brexit works.
Theresa May, the woman who saved the country from itself? Now there is a legacy to be proud of.