FOOL’S ERRAND : President Donald Trump has begun appointing presumed prime minister Boris Johnson’s cabinet by tweet.
The social media postings began shortly after Mr Boris “Everyman” Johnson was declared winner of the Conservative Party race to the bottom.
”It’s just coincidental that Mr Donald began posting his selections for the limey furniture thing while he’s normally on the toilet in the early morning,” a White House spokesman said, “he was actually still in bed at the time finishing off last night’s half eaten Big Mac.”
It’s understood Mr Trump believes he won the British cabinet in a Republican Party raffle. Given how useful the idiot now set to enter Downing Street may prove to be for him, no one has bothered attempting a correction.
But the picks for Mr Johnson’s cabinet may surprise some this side of the pond.
”Not surprisingly Mr Trump has chosen to exclude anyone he isn’t white,” our White House source says, “because this is a British cabinet and because Mr Trump is a racist and racists don’t understand these things.”
But the selections themselves are not a surprise.
”John Bolton is now Secretary of Defence, so expect yourselves to be a US bullet magnet. You’ll be so proud. Ivanka Trump is to run the Home Office and be real house proud. A number of private US healthcare concerns will be taking over Health. US mega-farm corp will takeover DEFRA. And so on like this. Mr Johnson won’t have to do a thing. We hear that’s how he likes it. Just settle down and be a good little vassal state.”
And after he’s assembled Johnson’s cabinet? What next?
”Oh; there’ll be a few screws loose. But don’t worry about that. You’re Global Britain. You’re going to make a success of it. If you just believe hard enough.”