Before Blunderdome : Johnson cabinet to hold first meeting and decide how to really fuck everything up

TORY ROAD : A lone buffoon searching for his destiny…a tribe of lost crooks waiting for a Don…in a world battling to survive, they face reality, but they face it together.

Crap Churchill tribute act, Boris Johnson, will hold his first cabinet meeting later today after selecting pretty much every disgraced Tory MP he could find to serve alongside him.

“He doesn’t want to have to come up with all the dead cats now he’s PM,” our Westminster watcher noted, “so he’s selected a whole motley crew of MPs who’ve already been forced out of cabinet in the past. All of them for reasons that should have ended their political careers. Scandals that would once have done so, when the political class, and the majority of voters, actually gave two hoots about having a functioning representative democracy, based on the rule of law. But that was yesterday. That wasn’t Brexit.”

And the cabinet even includes arch No Deal critic, Jo Johnson, brother to Boris, who returns, presumably because he just can’t help himself. If you don’t like these principles, I have others? Making this not only Blunderdome, but Blonderdome.

“It’s going to be fun watching a bunch of egomaniacal, limelight loving idiots try and work together,” our watcher says, “the clock is ticking to the first bust ups. Whether it’s how long Priti Patel has to wait to bring back the death penalty, or Dominic Raab’s psychological breakdown after learning the Isle of Dogs isn’t comprised of canines, there’s sure to be fireworks, and soon!”

Of note of course is what the wholesale clear out of the old cabinet means.

“It means a general election. That’s why Cummings is in there too. He knows about voter data and how to use it. The timing of all is interesting. Boris gets to spend the summer campaigning before announcing a snap GE with as little time as possible given to the other parties. It also means, doing that, he gets to avoid showing up in the House of Commons for even longer! Clever wheeze for a man famously work shy.”

But don’t worry about all that. The official opposition is busy attacking itself and the Liberal Democrats, certain the Tories will just destroy themselves, wreck the country, and in so doing lay a path for the old courgette fancier to breeze into No 10 himself. Just get us Lexit and then leave, we’ll be over here eating ourselves alive…that doesn’t seem like a viable political strategy, but hey, what do we know!

“How many Tory prime ministers have to come and go before it’s no longer a success to never be in government?” our watcher asks, “we’ll get the answer to that too as Before Blunderdome gives way over the next few months to the sequels, Into Blunderdome and then, Beyond Blunderdome. Strap on your home made metallic face mask and get ready to fight to survive.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *