The new cabinet has made its first, and defining, decision. In a cabinet stuffed full of Vote Leave alumni, hard-line Brexiters and swivel-eyed no deal fanatics, it’s do or die. And if the latter, it will be the fault of remainers.
LCD Views’ Charge of the Light Brigade correspondent, Arthur League-Onwards, coordinated the leaks.
“I can’t disclose the source of the leaks,” he said. “But don’t forget that unreliable, unprincipled little Vote Leave shit Dominic Cummings is now Boris’ special advisor!”
League-Onwards took us through the cabinet’s agenda. “Number one, after the welcome and Nazi salutes, was What To Do When Brexit Goes Tits Up,” he revealed. “After a minute of stunned silence, Boris himself piped up. ‘Ours not to reason why,’ he misquoted. ‘We send six hundred MPs into the valley of death, and blame remainers for the carnage.’ Well obviously there was massive applause.”
Dominic Raab was given the task of putting forward the motion, and the crayons to write it. “This resulted in considerable delay,” disclosed League-Onwards. “They had to find more crayons after he ate the first set, then Raab said he hadn’t realised that you could write with them. Boris went for a comfort break, and came back saying, ‘Motion passed! And we are all agreed that remainers are at fault? Jolly good show!’ He broke wind. ‘Wiff waff, wiff waff!’ he said. ‘Wiff, waff!’ they chorused obediently. ‘Sorry lads,’ continued Boris. ‘Forward!’ It was stirring stuff.”
Boris concluded this section by giving a rousing pep talk, according to League-Onwards. “I reckon the coke was kicking in. He said, ‘We fight the cannons of the EU with sabres!’ he said. ‘We will break through their lines, they can volley and thunder all they like, but we are British, and our can-do attitude and Blitz Spirit will see us right!’ The whole room rose as one in adulation!”
Cannons to the left, cannons to the right. There is an election in the air. How many of the six hundred will survive?
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