Quod erat demonstrandum! The new Minister for Classical Antiquity, Jacob Rees-Mogg, wants all his staff to communicate in Latin.
[Note: For those of you who didn’t go to school with Jacob Rees-Mogg, our Latin cheat sheet is here:]
“Simplex est petitio,” explained Rees-Mogg, to LCD Views’ Victorian Values correspondent. “Oh, I suppose you went to one of those ghastly modern redbrick universities that teach abominations like science. One hears that they let you wear… jeans… trainers…” He choked on the words. “One’s staff will speak Latin and wear gowns. This country needs to reclaim its heritage!”
“It’s a bloody liberty,” moaned parliamentarian Polly Glott. “Until now, official policy with foreign languages has been to speak slowly and loudly. Now we have to learn a whole new sodding language!”
“Condemnant quo non intellegunt,” countered Rees-Mogg. “This summarises my thoughts on Europe, and, I am told, most online political discussions.”
“I hope we are going to get dedicated training on this?” asked Glott.
“Ad astra per aspera,” replied Rees-Mogg. “As with Brexit, we will all pass through difficult times, but the eventual rewards will be worth it. Carpe diem. Alea iacta est!”
“Thank you Julius Caesar,” retorted Glott. “That’s one Rubicon I’m not going to cross!”
“Oh come now, dulce periculum!” replied Rees-Mogg. “Or, in the vernacular, live a little! Audentes fortuna iuvat!”
“Boldness has nothing to do with it,” replied Glott. “When I applied for this job, was I told that fluency in Latin was essential? Of course not. Factum fieri infectum non potest, I know, but it’s bloody ridiculous!”
“You are doing very well,” said Rees-Mogg, with just a hint of sounding slightly patronising. “Aut viam inveniam aut faciam should be your motto from now on.”
“And this stupid Brexit business!” said Glott. “Creo quia absurdum est, I know, but just remember, faber est suae quisque fortunae, and qui totum vult totum perdit!”
“He who wants everything will lose everything,” mused Rees-Mogg. “Very apt, may I say. Remind me to mention that to the Prime Minister the next time we meet.”
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixture dementia fuit. Unfortunately there is little wisdom in the current madness.