BELIEVE IN BRITAIN : The government has responded this morning to criticism that it has handed back funds intended to alleviate child poverty in the UK to the EU unspent.
“If we can’t spend it on Brexit what’s the point of it?” a Downing Street spokesman shrugged, “I mean if it could have been used to pay private consultants to prepare voluminous reports for contingency planning for things we’ll never in a million years do, that would have been different.”
And furthermore, experts in the field have a bit of advice for poor kids.
“You’re not going to better yourself sponging about off foreign aid money,” Toby Agspoon esq, Tory MP for Oblivion-by-and-by, advised.
“And, besides, we waste all this money on EU officials and get nothing back! This ruins the narrative of a fair and prosperous Britain, its children’s faces gold lit by the wealth of opportunity provided by Caring Conservatism. Reach out children and seize the opportunities of Brexit! The chimney sweep’s brush! The three legged stool in the match factory! The one kidney sold, but the other one kept!”
Quite how the government could have been so incompetent as to not have spent the money is anyone’s guess.
“Because they’re a useless effing shower of a government who have no idea about alleviating poverty and couldn’t care less,” Anyone guessed. But it was a credible guess.
“Hard work will get you anywhere,” Toby Agspoon esq added, “get your nose to the grindstone. If that fails, call your dad. Take your cash back EU! We don’t need it. Our coffers are full. And besides, if belief in Britain can’t lift a child out of poverty in 21st century Britain, what will?”