NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT : Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Voluntary Starvation, has spoken today to reassure the huddled, but patriotic, masses over reports of an ass brawl on the P&O cruise ship ‘Britannia’.
“This was a test run for day one of a No Deal Brexit,” Mr Gove told reporters gathered outside his home, “it went like clockwork. There is nothing to worry about. No one got eaten.”
The running of the trial aboard the Britannia was intended to present the United Kingdom in microcosm, brawling with itself, adrift off the coast of Europe.
“Reports that the appearance of a clown during a drunken, patriotic party is what triggered the riots are exaggerated,” Mr Gove further explained, “everyone involved was a clown. No, it was a debate over what shape a traditional British banana is that lit the fuse. This is similar to the lively discussions we can expect Global Britons to engage in once they’re standing in ration queues in November. It all went as expected.”
The confinement of the worst offenders to their quarters was also part of the trial.
“We needed to see how easy it is to confine people who do not believe in the curved shape of British tropical fruit,” Mr Gove said, “lest they dampen the morale of the other captives, I mean cheerful, willing patriots trapped on board Britannia with no avenue of escape.”
Further sea trials will be conducted in coming weeks.
“Next we will do walk the plank,” Mr Gove added, “and actors who best resemble serving cabinet ministers will take part. This is to prove prime minister Johnson’s administration will be able to rapidly deal with anyone who gets cold feet in the run up to Halloween 2019.”
No Deal Brexit. Do not fear it. It’s been the plan from the beginning.