BORIS COCKWOMBLESHANKS 1ST : Boris Johnson is to visit Scotland later today and have a wee chat with Nicole Sturgeon and Ruth Davidson, presumably not at the same time.
“He wants to personally discover how much he’s hated,” our Scottish office chief advises, “so he’s going north of the Hadrian’s Wall. Not many Tory prime ministers can say that!”
And while it’s fairly obvious that he’ll be about as welcome as a cup of cold baws, he’s not going to give two hoots.
“He’s not governing for the Scots,” our man continues, “that much is obvious. He’s still running the Brexit campaign. He’s not actually governing for anyone. Well, other than himself. Boris the first and last of his name, and all that.”
But while he is there he will at least promise to throw money about, hoping that the Scottish ruling class can be bought off with English cash, as with so many times in the past. But with the added twist of zero intention to follow through and pay.
“He’s going to offer Sturgeon lands and titles in Kent though,” so we hear anyway, “and let her build a castle with a bridge to France. He’s apparently already got planning approval. She can start whenever she wants. All she has to do is kiss the ring.”
So fat chance of that. But what about Ruth Davidson?
“He’s going to tell her to bend her knee or he’ll bend it for her,” our Scottish chief reckons, “so there’s the risk of an irony heavy bid for Scottish independence from the English conservatives by the Scottish conservatives on the way. Either that or she’ll just get in line like she has every other time.”