Man who wants to leave union says we are stronger together

A man intent on leaving the European Union, come what May, is adamant that the Union between England and Scotland must be maintained. Union means Union. Except when it doesn’t. Obviously there’s good and bad on both sides.

The man who, unbelievably, is Prime Minister, is having an argument with Nicola Sturgeon. How dare you threaten our precious Union, the debate begins.

“Och aye Jimmy, we are sick of ye Sassenachs telling us what to doo,” replied Sturgeon. “We want oot, and we want oot the noo! Bung us £10bn and we’ll gie it another goo.”

“No, no, no, no, there’s no magic money tree,” Johnson replied. “It comes to this: we are stronger together. Splitting up is such a fibble fabble. Besides, I spent all the dosh on a propaganda campaign telling the world how simply spaffingly spiffing I am!”

“Why are ye so intent on leaving the EU then?” asked Sturgeon. “I see a wee contradiction there. Ye are kicking us in the Trossachs!”

“The UK is a Good Union,” explained Johnson. “But the EU is a Bad Union. 4 nations good, 28 nations bad!”

“Ooo, boke boke!” mimed Sturgeon, pretending to stick two fingers down her throat. “Pass the sick bucket. Enough with the Orwellian bullshit. Man, ye make me want to greet!”

“My dear old thing!” replied Johnson in mock alarm. “Orwell? This is the land of Shakespeare, of comedy and tragedy, sometimes simultaneously. To Brexit, or not to Brexit, that is the question. Now is the summer of your discontent. Come to Holyrood, today, in yellow stockings, cross-gartered, and I will deliver complete satisfaction!”

The position is quite clear. England wants Scotland to Remain, so it can Leave. Scotland wants to Leave, so it can Remain. “Hoo can ye squaur thes circle?” demanded Sturgeon.

“Don’t worry, my pussycat, I’ve got my best man on the case,” burbled Johnson. “Dominic Raab will sort all of you Johnnie foreigners ‘oot’, as soon as he finds ‘oot’ where wee bonnie Scotland is!”

Meanwhile, Sturgeon is busy making no deal plans. In a final statement, she declared: “I’m going to rebuild Hadrian’s Wall, and make England pay for it!”

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