Asset stripping of the UK to start on 31 October, come what may, confirms Treasury

The Global car boot sale that is Brexit will go ahead as unplanned, says the Treasury. The asset stripping of the UK – breaking it up into smaller units, and flogging them as going concerns to the highest bidder – will commence at Hallowe’en, come what may.

Anything of worth will be sold to corporate vultures like Donald Trump or Vladimir Putin. The Exchequer will pocket the cash, divvy it up between wealthy Brexiters, and scarper. Everything else will be scrapped.

The government is pouring £2.1bn into no deal preparations, to ensure the sceptical public thinks it is serious about the country’s problems. It hopes that this will quell rebellion until it is too late.

“It’s not a huge sum of money,” remarked Treasury advisor Billy O’Nair laconically. “Well, to you or I it may seem so, but the truth is that in the context of international finance it’s chicken feed. It won’t go anywhere, except into the pockets of some very rich people. Which is precisely the point, of course.”

Isn’t it for no deal planning? Infrastructure? Jobs?

“Put it this way,” replied O’Nair. “There is less than three months to design, build and staff customs points and such. There’s no way any of it will even get as far as the drawing board. The cash will be eaten up by ‘consultants’ fees’ and no actual work will be done!”

In other words, the money will be spaffed up the wall?

“Not at all,” retorted O’Nair. “Wealthy people know how to make money work. Poor ones would just go out and spend it, what’s the point in that?”

So the money is merely a sticking plaster?

“Not even that!” chuckled O’Nair. “It’s the equivalent of sending out Doris the cleaning lady with her mop and bucket to clear up after a tsunami. It’s to make the media tell everyone what a good job we’re doing, now look the other way, don’t you have dolphins to save or something?”

They are selling England by the pound. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Roll up, roll up!

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