THERE WAS ONE TORY BOTTLE OF SNEER ON THE WALL : Boris Johnson has stated today he is to “turbocharge” his preparations for an autumn 2019 general election by losing his parliamentary majority, sometime before the end of summer.
Appearing from behind a pure, unstained, white sofa, presumed to be in a room somewhere in Downing Street, an ebullient Mr Johnson spoke about the loss of Brecon and Radnorshire in a by election.
”Clearly, ah, baaaa, like Theseus crocheting a blanket from a ball of humble wool, when he should have been forcefully knitting a duvet, selecting a disgraced and convicted felon to stand again was just gun shy. We should have put up the famous late Victorian homeopath Dr Crippen.”
Mr Johnson went on to say that lessons had been learned and when the next by-election occurs, perhaps in Dover as a result of the (former) Tory MP there Elphicke being charged with sexual assault, they’ll be sure to select someone with a completely blemished record. Which is exactly how he’s chosen a cabinet of MPs who have previously resigned in disgrace for various “irregularities”.
”And let me make it entirely clear. Let us not wait like maidens with their heads coyly concealed behind a Persian floor carpet. No! Let us assault our wavering MPs, those already thinking of crossing the floor to another party. Let us force them out to bring about a greater victory when we take our argument of enforced No Deal poverty, after years of unnecessary austerity, to the country. The sooner a general election, the better! Cross the floor! Or we’ll cross it for you! Turbocharge me! Straight into the man in the moon!”
Asked to speak about the Conservative loss to the “Remain alliance” a Labour social media outrider said it just proved not voting for their cuddly idea of Brexit was enabling the Conservatives. Also, they have nothing to fear from smaller parties making the duopoly irrelevant because they had purity.
”Maybe we’ve had it back to front though,” one mused, “all this time we’ve been telling Labour supporters who questioned Corbyn’s fence sitting on Brexit to F off and vote Tory. Maybe they would have if we’d told them to F off and vote Libdem? We would have demonstrated how we’ve restored democracy to the party by forcing away even more people who want to support us but can’t until we fight the hard right coup that is Brexit.”