RAAB GOES MAPMAKING : Canadians have expressed their relief today that they got a visit from FCO Dominic Raab and not the FCO who comes after Raab.
The relief is based on the prevailing UK trend of each prime minister being worse than the last, and of course all the accompanying ministers follow the same trend.
”Especially since the unanimous decision by the British people to vote overwhelmingly to commit economic and diplomatic suicide,” a spokesman for the Canadian foreign office told LCD Views.
”When we heard the pulsing vein of British diplomacy was coming to our neck of the woods on a cartographical adventure we were seriously nervous. We’ve almost exhausted our famous levels of politeness dealing with the Cheeto headed white supremacist to the south. Now we have to play host to the man who recently discovered Dover? It was a bit much. What would he discover about Canada?”
But after running the visit and its possibilities through a computer simulation usually reserved with forecasting the futures of the lumber industry (it was felt most appropriate to Raab, two short planks and all that), the Canadians discovered they’d scored a lucky break.
”Yes we were going to have to explain, slowly, patiently, repetitively, that 28 is a bigger number than 1, and post Brexit UK wasn’t getting CETA. At least we weren’t going to have to do over WW2 and Mark ‘D Day’ Francois’!”
That’s a win by anybody’s standards. No-one wants to have to deal with a packet of the very thickest mince with a chip on both shoulders, an inferiority complex as big as Boris Johnson’s ego, and a penchant for handing out white feathers.
One further man was delighted. “I’ve found out where Canadia is!” said Dominic Raab happily. “It’s next to the United St… Hang on, unions are bad, aren’t they? Err… Yes, that’s it! It’s next to Friendly Land, where Mr Donald lives with melons in a white pentagon! And they gave me some nice new crayons!”
On hearing the news, Mark Francois was hospitalised with small man syndrome. Meanwhile Raab is getting on with colouring in My First Atlas. He has got the colours inside the lines. Mostly.