Who’s dumb and confused by maps : Raab is! Rumours on the news wires today that British FCO Dominic Raab was treated for shock yesterday in Canada after a geographical stun grenade went off in his mind.
“Let’s be clear,” Doctor Mounted, Register at Colombie-Britannique Royal Infirmary, said, “the cartographical explosion happened in what serves for his mind. I ran the scans myself. The casserole of nonsense inside that cranium deserves further study. It’s not what I would call classical human grey matter.”
The treatment appears to have consisted largely of sedation and being placed in front a photograph of himself smiling.
“We hadn’t quite realised until recently how effective looking at a happy picture of the self is for English Tory narcissists,” Doctor Mounted rose steeply, “but when applied to the eyes, with some Elgar playing softly in the background, with the additional tincture of Boycott talking about rhubarb, the recovery can be exceptionally speedy. The horrible psychological episode is quickly erased by a re-discovery of one’s own imagined self-importance.”
Raab himself is rumoured (nothing in this article is real) to have told a close aide, after he regained full consciousness, signified by the throbbing vein on his right temple THROBBING, that he should have paid more for his geography GCSE, and maybe even shelled out on a history one.
How the Canadians managed to get British Columbia away from the UK while still keeping the name British involved is a mystery that the FCO is said to be determined to solve.
“It’s probably the French,” an aide to Raab conjectured, “they’ll do anything to making leaving the EU difficult. Especially stealing the colonies the UK needs to make itself great again.”
As an interim measure Raab has ordered maps at the FCO in London to be redrawn to move British Columbia from the west coast of Wales, where he had personally drawn it in, and to somewhere in the mid-Atlantic.
“Just until he can work out what the hell is going on.”
Having made a full recovery Dom has now journeyed south, across a newly discovered land bridge between Canada and the USA, where he will spend his time being comforted by warmongers. Presumably being encouraged to go home and order something blown up in the Middle East.