Brexiters, breathe easy. The impending recession has been averted by banning all remainers from social media.
“I can get on with believing in Britain without factual distractions,” said a relieved Boo Morbust, of Wuncher Bankers. “Now the doom and gloom merchants have been removed from Facepalm and Twittalk, I can get on with shorting the pound free from bleeding heart negativity!”
The decision has given the economy a massive boost. Remainers, no longer able to engage in online debate, have had to suck it up instead of talking the country down.
“It’s excellent news,” continued Morbust. “Now I can go back to spending the working day charging exorbitant interest rates and watching cat videos!”
All is not as it seems though. Buried in the pink ranks of the Financial Times is the news that the pound is now worth the same as the Euro. There is a super injunction out on the British press which means none of them may print any potentially anti-Brexit news on the front page. Instead, the FT is pointedly leaving the front page blank.
“Devaluation of the pound is good!” insists Morbust. “Devaluation means worth less, so everything is cheaper! It’s economics innit. I got a grade F at GCSE, so I know what I’m talking about!”
With no dissent, then, recession should be avoided. After all, if a recession occurs, but nobody is allowed to say so, has it really happened?
“Everything will be easy peasy!” confirms Morbust. “If nobody contradicts a statement, it must be true. Therefore, if we say business is booming, then it is, because nobody can say otherwise. We say, you’ve never had it better, and hey presto! it’s true, even if it isn’t! Win!”
Remember that, next time you queue with your brand spanking new blue ration book. Remember to say your ‘Hail Boris’es with feeling or you won’t get your two ounces of rancid butter.