BRITONS YOU’RE IN SAFE HANDS : “Under the ground no one can touch you,” Boris ‘Bonkers’ Johnson began his latest Facepamphlet Live broadcast to the nation today, “not Junker, not Merkel, not Macron and certainly not a food bomb.”
The prime minister, the father of all the nation’s children, young and old, spoke in a reassuringly calm manner. Firelight lit the side of his face and sparkled off his bright eyes as he brought comfort to an increasingly anxious nation.
Especially nice was the vintage 1940’s wireless set just behind his right shoulder, evoking memories of a time when Britain also faced the dark clouds alone. And although the clouds may now be gathering because of an entirely self-contrived rain dance at home, the message was the same.
We can do it!
“And let me also reassure those of you who may have come and settled in our green and pleasant and newly bunkered land, those from EU27 states, you will only be charged a nominal fee to share a space with a patriotic Briton, should the air raid sirens sound after I successfully deliver a No Deal Brexit this All Hallows’ Eve!”
One fist pump. Just one. A slow and measured raising of the hand into a securely flat palmed salute to the country.
“You will of course have to apply in advance under a new “Unsettled Embarrassed” scheme that my good colleague Priti Patel is currently organising to identify the location of every foreign traitor, I mean, husband, wife, grandparent, child and friend. Global Briton is a truly hospitalising place.”
But critics of the scheme have pointed out that encouraging patriots to hide underground when the food bombs drop will make it harder for the aid parcels to be found. You won’t know which copse or gully to look in if you didn’t see them land.
Mr Johnson is out front of that.
“We will also have a technological solution to find the widely dispersed food aid, should the EU pilots and edible materials bombardiers prove to have poor aim,” Mr Johnson added, “specially trained parrots, even now being prepared by Michael Gove, will land upon the food drops and sing so you know where they’re to be found.”
We’re in our bunker Junker! We’re going underground! Brexit, let’s make a success of it!