Post Brexit UK to attract the brightest and best by paying them huge sums to come and fix us

JUST NAME YOUR PRICE : The United Kingston’s elected representatives have spent a lot of time recently telling everyone how they will attract the brightest and best to the country, post Brexit.

“This has been met with huge amounts of justifiable skepticism by remainers. Actually anyone paying attention to what a devaluing currency and a hard fought reputation for xenophobia, newly acquired, can do,” our International Relations expert says, “but all those gloomsters and naysayers are missing the point.”

So the patriotic types who think Brexit will herald in a new dawn for the country are right? They’re not deluded, willingly brainwashed idiots at all?

“Well, let’s not get carried away now. Remember the editorial line chosen at the inception of this publication on Brexit.”

So they’re deluded, willingly brainwashed idiots? Confused by a changed world. Retreating into a manufactured, fictional past for comfort? Rather than face whatever issues imperfect nurturing has left, combined with an unwillingness for honest self examination about the mistakes of their adult life? So privately troubled when they stare into the bathroom mirror in the morning and wonder how it’s all gone so wrong? Who is to blame?

“Some are. Others are just racists. But you’re missing the point.”

Well, what is it?

“They are wrong because the sun never sets on the British Empire. Thus it can’t rise to herald a new dawn.”

Oh of course! But how will we attract the brightest and the best to Blighty after intentionally turning our constitutional monarchy into a banana republic run out of 55 Tufton Street?

“Some stiff sentences for electoral crimes would help.”

Noted. But the answer? The real answer?

“We’ll be paying them whatever they bloody well ask to come back.”

Ah, now it all makes sense. Long live the Magic Money tree. The Magic Money tree is dead. Long live the magic money tree.

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