ISN’T AN ENGLISHMAN’S HOME HIS CASTLE : Bootle man, Mr Poole Allnuts Esq, has expressed his outrage exclusively to LCD Views today after the local council ordered he take down his ramparts.
Mr Allnuts recently installed the traditional defences out front of his 1930’s semi-detached property. Part of preparations for No Deal Brexit, which involve bottling his own wee to make gunpowder.
“How do you think we survived the One Hundred Years War?” Poole demanded, as if we were personally involved, alongside him, in the famous series of medieval military encounters.
He waited, face reddening, but we simply couldn’t answer as it was logically impossible.
“Castles!” So he knew the answer all along.
“We built castles. This is my home. By right of ancient ENGLISH MADE LAWS it’s my castle and I can wall and tower it all I like. BLOODY BRUSSELS!”
But it seems it wasn’t the meddling, rule obsessed technocrats across the ENGLISH Channel that are the cause of Mr Allnut’s outrage.
Bootle Council is the source of the trouble after local planning officers received numerous complaints about Poole’s refurbishment works changing the facade of the street.
“Mr Allnuts didn’t apply for planning permission,” planning officer, Joan of Arc, commented, “not did he seek to either engage or consult even his nearest neighbours with party wall agreements. As such the putting up of the stone based defences contravenes a raft of planning laws. They have to be razed.”
But Mr Allnuts is not to be ordered about, even by traditional English bureaucrats.
“I have raised the walls!” he fumed, “that was the whole bloody point of building them in the first place. When remoaners begin rampaging against democracy after the success of No Deal Brexit I’m going to be ready for them!”
Ms Arc is still determined to be the immovable object in Mr Allnut’s path.
“Raze and raise, people often get these confused,” she commented, “especially if they’re a Brexiter. But it doesn’t matter. Central government has sent down a dictat that all French architecture styles are now banned. I am happy to enforce this.”