JOHNSON BOOSTED BY INTERPLANETARY ENVOY : UK’s last human (using that label very loosely) Prime Minister, Alexander Boris de Piffle Willy, has received a massive BOOST today after a visit from Martian Envoy, John Bolt-on.
Mr Willy received Mr Bolt-on at his temporary London address, 10 Downing Street, which Mr Willy is using as lodgings until his next door neighbours hear a screaming match with temporary girlfriend, Someone Someone Till-thenext-Someone.
Speaking after the tête-à-tête a visibly impressed Mr Willy spoke to reporters outside his temporary home.
“May I first just say how impressed I was with the Martian Envoy and his declaration of peaceful intentions,” Mr Willy enthused, thrusting one hand skyward in a flat palmed salute, “today marks not the beginning, but the deepening of a special relationship that will put the one enjoyed by Tony ‘T-bone’ Blair and Dubya in the shade. They called Blair the poodle, what will they call me? I’ll tell you what, the British Rottweiler. Or perhaps a more traditional British dog. Some sort of terrier,
“But nonetheless, regardless of which species of Canis lupus familiaris is chosen to describe my good self, let me say how IMPRESSED (more arm waving, even a fist pump) I was with the Martian Envoy’s declaration of the possible joint, fiscal benefits between the United Kingdom and his empire.”
Mr Willy went on to mention that the only thing that stood between the harmonious future was a failure to deliver Brexit.
“Which is why, DO OR DIE, my government will deliver on the result of the criminally manipulated, lie strewn, hard right con of the United Kingdom made possible by the naivety of my old school chum David ‘hug a hoodie’ Cameron.”
As to what the UK can expect to gain from the union, Mr Willy was definite.
“Massive cost savings in the running of our national health service. This will be achieved by the complete handover of ownership to our new overlords. And cost savings will be vital as we develop the medical conditions of increasing obesity, heart disease and diabetes brought about by the revitalisation of our food sector. For too long the unelected technocrats have kept hungry Britons from hormones and antibiotics. Well no more!”
As to what Mr Willy expected to receive personally?
“I think not of myself,” he said, with a smirk, “but I am heartily cheered by the Martian ambassador’s offer of keeping my head in a fully self contained sphere after Brexit. This will allow me to enjoy the thrill of interplanetary travel without the trouble of passport queues.”