10 Downing Street advises voters to come up with “alternative arrangements” for food by October 31st

CHALK OR CHEESE : The great British chalk mining industry is set for boom times from the 1st of November as hungry Brits show the resourcefulness and grit that saw them personally survive the war.

“The White Cliffs of Dover are an abundant source of alternatives to cheese,” Mr Were Wolff, junior minister at DExEU, told LCD Views, “and I think people will find that with just a little bit of the imagination Britons are famous for, bark will do for bread.”

As part of the drive to normalise the insanity No Deal Brexit will bring, the government will soon release educational videos and posters. The videos will future a backing track of wealthy, on point, elderly Radio 4 Today programme presenters chuckling in the background.

“If people actually put in some effort and stop blaming the government they will find that alternative arrangements for food can be found all over the streets and in the looted corner shops of Brexit Britain.”

But the dental industry has expressed surprise at the direction to eat chalk, instead of cheese.

“These so called dentists worried about the impact of scurvy weakened enamel by accidental consumption of the hard flint found in the chalk are over egging an eggless meal,” Mr Were Wolff easily retorted, “they would be better served trying to come up with alternative arrangements for teeth to begin with. Clearly most will be ground down in anxiety anyway. Anxiety over not being first in line to take advantage of the opportunities provided by Brexit to trade with the world.”

But even the MoD has expressed concern.

“We’ll need that flint to make weapons and entrenching tools,” Ministry of Defence spokesman, Mrs Random Tory MP Who Will Say Somethimg, said, “I’ll be having talks with my colleagues to ensure both bellies and armouries can be filled.”

Chalk isn’t cheese, until you learn to believe.

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