UK confident it can find a technological solution to Boris Johnson

The UK has been given an ultimatum. Within 30 days, it must find a technological solution to Boris Johnson.

Despite this blistering timetable, Britain’s best boffins are on the case. Up and down the length and breadth of Merrie Englande, wannabe Wallaces are dashing to their sheds to find the solution.

LCD Views’ Wing And A Prayer correspondent met leading inventor and computer nut, Mike Rowe-Chipps.

“I’ve already created a functional prototype,” said Rowe-Chipps excitedly. “I call it Zaphod Bumblebot. Look at this!”

He placed an order for the destruction of the British Isles in front of the android. It seized a pen, and scrawled the salutation ‘Love and kisses, Zaphod’.

“I haven’t quite synchronised the voice yet,” explained Rowe-Chipps, as the robot’s Stephen Hawking-like voice said “Golly goodness! Fibble fabble! What a to-do, old bean!”

Moaning remainers have created their own killjoy creation, codenamed Marvin. Its database is full of comments from Twitter correspondents with ‘FBPE’ in their handle. Its very first words were ‘I think you should know I’m very depressed.’

Paranoid androids apart, the specifications for the Boris bot are extensive. It must be sufficiently different to the obsolete Maybot, which is currently situated in a museum blurting out statements like “Strong and stable!” and “My deal or no deal!” at random intervals.

There are two particular details which Rowe-Chipps and his fellow inventors are finding difficult. That irritating “What the Dickens is going on here?” facial expression, and the tendency to shag any presentable female. “I have to wear a chastity belt whenever Zaphod Bumblebot is turned on,” reflects Rowe-Chipps ruefully.

Experts who have read the relevant documentation have realised that the irresponsible Zaphod is, ultimately, redeemed by the boring Marvin. Their findings have, of course, been dismissed by opinionated government wonks.

Will it work? Possibly not, as it’s probably infinitely improbable.

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