Government refuse request publish locations crisis food depots in case people misunderstand benefits No Deal Brexit

FORM AN ORDERLY LINE AND SMILE : The government has again refused today to publish the locations of stockpiles of tinned foods and out of date army ration packs.

“People may get the wrong idea about the looming benefits of No Deal Brexit,” DExEU minister, Mr Notso Clever, told LCD Views, “and if they start queuing early it will only add peer pressure to others to queue. We just can’t guarantee the weather. People may catch colds.”

The concern for the welfare of the ordinary man and woman, over and above the paternalistic attitude shown towards currency speculators, has been welcomed. Welcomed by the government.

“No Deal Brexit is not just about creating an artificial financial crisis to asset strip the UK for the benefit of hoarded offshore wealth,” Mr Notso Clever was certain, “it’s about minimising unnecessary inconvenience to the general public as their rights and personal wealth, freedoms and possibilities are curtailed to respect the result of the criminally manipulated opinion poll conducted years ago now.”

The mandate for Brexit is as fresh as it ever was.

“Just be reassured there is some food in shortage. Caviar. Smoked salmon. Foi gras. Even a large amount of lobster. The Palace of Westminster dining rooms will cope in any Brexit eventuality. So too the general public. Stockpiles of readily edible rubber bullets and tear gas are already mountainous.”

And for anyone worrying if there will be clean drinking water? Just in case the infrastructure of the UK suffers a widespread hack and crashes in the crisis?

“Already emergency legislation is being prepared to reassign leisure centre swimming pools across the country as water depots. It’s already chlorinated. People will be able to wash their chicken in it too. Do not worry. You are in safe hands.”

But there was one sour note. Stockpiles of famous British pragmatism and common sense are currently invisible.

“This won’t affect a No Deal Brexit,” Mr Notso Clever added, “as those qualities would only impede it.”

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