MASTER OF THE MEAT PUPPETS : Cummings refuses to say if he’ll allow Johnson second term as prime minister

GRAB ‘EM BY THE SHIRT AND CURLIES : BORIS JOHNSON’S controller, President Dominic Cummings, has refused to confirm if he’ll allow Johnson a second term as prime minister.

In a fiery exchange late last night Cummings is said to have confronted Johnson over a leaked email that suggested Johnson himself made decisions about his career.

“It was explosive,” a Downing Street aide imaginatively told LCD Views, “the wall paper actually curled up from the skirting boards.”

While Johnson is said to have initially held his ground against the undemocratic, unelected, un-sovereign, recently installed totalitarian ruler of the United Kingdom, it’s believed he soon crumbled when Cummings pulled out the big guns.

“Cummings is said to have threatened to leak to the press the fact Johnson does zero work and spends most of his time evading phone calls from scorned posh, blonde women who believed he wanted to settle down and start a family with them.”

Whether or not Johnson will be allowed to serve a second term is up for debate.

“There’s a beauty parade of hypocrisy going on in the senior ranks of the government,” the aide added, “with pretty much anyone serving as a minister prepared to lie outright to the public to please whoever is funding this wholesale demolition of the UK.”

LCD Views would ask all staff working for Mr Cummings, from Johnson down, to respect their place in the food chain and only speak when spoken to from now on, lest it negatively impacts on their career prospects. Clearly, the welfare of the United Kingdom is so far down the list of priorities as to be invisible. At least until Brexit is delivered and we all spontaneously unite, or self-combust.

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