External inspectors have taken one look at the UK government, and put it straight into Special Measures.
The hurried push for a No Deal Brexit was, in part, a device to evade this inspection. The lurid headlines emanating from the UK persuaded the inspectorate to pay a visit earlier than anticipated. The lead inspector was horrified at what she found.
“I’ve never seen anything like it, and our last inspection was of Hungary,” gasped lead inspector Faye Ling-Grayling. “We have placed the government into Special Measures, and will be replacing the truly inadequate PM and his hopeless team with experienced SuperMinisters.”
The Office for Political and Internal Services Standards (OFPISS) grades administrations on a four point scale, with 1 the best grade and 4 the worst. “In an unprecedented move, we were obliged to award the UK an overall grade of 5,” despaired Ling-Grayling.
The five-star UK is now officially worse than useless, and indeed the worst ever. Worse than the closing days of Nazi Germany (“Grade 3, requires improvement,” claims Ling-Grayling. “They didn’t learn from their mistakes!”) or Caligula’s senate (“ A good, solid 2,” remarks Ling-Grayling. “That horse was dynamite!”).
OFPISS looks at four key areas: Management, Development, Behaviour, and Outcomes. “Management was the worst of the lot,” said Ling-Grayling. “Not an original idea among them, and you can’t trust a word any of them says. It’s like trusting a thief to look after your money. Run a country? I wouldn’t trust them to run a bath.”
Development of inexperienced MPs is simply not happening, which means it receives the most generous grading of the four criteria.
“Behaviour is shocking too,” remarks Ling-Grayling. “In session they all just shout insults at each other. In public they say any old nonsense, not worrying about contradicting themselves. They are unfit for purpose.”
Outcomes is even worse. The UK government has done Ben Stokes in reverse, and seized a highly improbable defeat from the jaws of victory.
There is even talk of OFPISS closing down the government completely, and building a new one somewhere else. Probably in the EU.