CUMMINGS AND GOINGS : The Chairman of the Conservative Party governing 1922 committee has confirmed that 48 letters of no confidence have been received in unelected, undemocratic prime minister Dominic Cummings.
“We’ll have to change the rules,” an aide to the powerful committee told LCD Views, “and if we can’t do that, then we’ll have to ignore them.”
Ignoring the rules is believed to be the backstop position for the Conservative Party whose current guiding mantra is, if you can’t win playing by the rules, then cheat. Jacob Rees-mogg is understood to be currently working on the Latin translation so as to update the party logo.
“We could have another leadership election right now. Andrew Bridgen is ready to be PM. Or Mark Francois. Andrea Jenkyns maybe?” the source mused, “but I fear it would just create the kind of chaos only an Ed Milliband government could create. So we don’t want that. Other front runners, such as Raab and Barclay, are thought to be too busy staring at socks marked “l” and “r” respectively. Once they solve that brain teaser they’ll be ready for promotion.”
Quite how the general public will take the news that a leadership contest should now be held to replace the unelected, undemocratic prime minister, but won’t, wasn’t under consideration.
“Who gives a flying fig about them?” the source looked shocked, “this is all about making money on the exchange markets and getting out of that EU before the new anti-tax dodging directives kick in.”
What Matt Hancock would make of this development was unquoted. After all, he recently invoked the war dead to underscore he wouldn’t support a government that prorogued parliament to deliver Brexit. And where is he now?
“I can think of one way the country’s leadership could immediately be improved,” our political analyst chipped in, “Dominic Cummings having his mobile phones confiscated before being led out of Downing Street by the police.”