Home Office orders detention of anyone who can’t trace their ancestry back to Norman Invasion of 1066

GO HOME OFFICE : Reassuring news today for anyone who views their neighbours with suspicion. The Home Office is attempting to detain, with the hope of rapidly deporting, most of the country.

“It’s part of our Global Britons initiative,” an aide claiming to work with Priti Patel told LCD Views, “we hope to disperse most of the population to the four corners of the world. Anyone who isn’t deported, but isn’t filthy rich, will be able to take advantage of a secondary scheme, ‘To Serf or to Serf? That is the question!’. We expect no legal challenges to either scheme. Especially the second one. After Brexit we’ll be shredding red tape like no one’s business.”

The scheme will kick into operation later this week, timed to take advantage of the chaos of Westminster politics.

“Hopefully most people who don’t want to be detained will apply for forged genealogy. The cost will be considerable. But it’ll be worth it. You’ll get to stay in England post Brexit and be allocated a serf.”

It’s felt the scheme is a fitting tribute to Theresa May who championed much of the policy base the new direction takes advantage of.

“We’re pretty fed up with stories in the Guardian about people who came to the UK as children and are now being deported because they can’t find a Boots receipt for some eye cream from the early 1970’s. This is distressing for everyone concerned. Especially Home Office ministers who like to deport people with a callous inhuman satisfaction that is not scrutinised. So just rounding everyone up and throwing them out is deemed a more Brexit efficient way to fulfil our hard right goals.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that only inheritance millionaires will be immune to deportation, because they’ll either be able to legitimately trace their ancestry back to some fierce chaps on boats a thousand years ago, or be able to purchase proof.

“But that’s the whole point,” the aide nodded, “just imagine having your new family tree proudly framed and on display in your home? You can sit it next to the EU27 burgundy passport you purchased to ensure you keep FOM while stripping it off everyone else.”

Do you want to avoid detention? Do you want to buy proof you’re related to William the Conqueror? The Go Home Office has the answer.

“For a fee.”

For a fee.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *