STUMPED SPEECH : The mystery of what the hell happened when Boris Johnson had the podium out last night has been solved by a Downing Street leak. And we’re not talking vegetables here, although that would be just as appropriate.
“Millions tuned in to BBC News last night at 6pm after Tory spokeswoman, Laura Kuenssberg, tweeted late yesterday afternoon that the prime minister would be making a surprise addition to the catalogue of British, political, orificiary oratory,” our imbedded Downing Street reporter says, “but from the moment the prime minister was late starting, people began to worry if this will be just as pointless and frustrating as former PM May’s speeches.”
And they were right to worry.
“Mr Johnson did eventually emerge. Reportedly after locking the entirety of Conservative MPs in a basement dungeon. He strode to the podium without tripping, much to his relief. Although personally I was disappointed.”
There was surprisingly little racism or xenophobia in the stump speech, which was at least different to his newspaper propaganda, but there wasn’t really any content at all.
“There’s suspicions it wasn’t the speech he intended to give,” our insider muses, “after his attempt to at first charm, then browbeat, then blackmail his MPs failed to bring enough onside. It’s a funny time when calling a GE is an actual threat? If they know privately they’ve made such a hash of looking after the country, many would lose their seats, than that’s precisely why they should call a GE.”
But for all the swagger it was essentially like listening to May attempting to make her Brexit strategy sound credible, when it was empty and self-defeating.
“At least he’s a continuity prime minister in that sense. He had nothing but to threaten to saw off his legs and send the amputated limbs express to Brussels. That’ll learn ‘em!”
The one silver lining is based on the presumption Theresa May herself was watching the bumbling, blonde charlatan at the podium, the strains of “Stop the Coup” almost drowning him out.
“Now she knows what it was like to put up with her ridiculous set pieces. So that’s something at least.”