Johnson to visit secret lab where Mark Francois clone has been bred to replace Ken Clarke at next GE

THE POUND STORE BOYS FROM BRAZIL : Do not EVER think Boris Johnson and ShortCummings have no dastardly plan to survive the parliamentary blitzkrieg they suffered last night. They knew it was coming all right. They went looking for it chin first.

“That’s because they needed an excuse to deselect and withdraw the party whip from the most respected and capable of their Tory colleagues,” our political pseudoscience correspondent reports, “so they could replace them all with ERG clones at the next snap GE.”

And replace them they will with lab bred men of a calibre rarely (mercifully) seen on the political battlefield.

“Ken Clarke is out!” our correspondent continues, “and the people of Rushcliffe will find themselves more than willing to vote for the Mark Francois clone who even now is having the fecal scented, amniotic gel wiped from his baby eyes. Once he’s elected they can be certain of rushing to the No Deal cliff.”

And it’s not just Mark Francois. An Andy Bridgen has been raised from the mad scientist soup to replace Churchill’s grandson, Nicholas ‘hashtag’ Soames, in West Sussex.

“There’s more too. An Andrea Jenkyns is done to take Putney after Greening legs it. A Nadine Dorries will shove aside Rory Stewart while mumbling brains brains. The list is long.”

The list is all wrong.

It’s said this has all been years in the planning. You think Brexiters don’t do detail? Oh, you just wait until you see a lot of mini-Moggs knocking on doors across the land. They do detail all right. So long as it’s from the files of certain WW2 scientists.

“There’s more than enough misremembered imperial nostalgia in the Tory Party tank to keep a dozen Bridgens spitting foam and red in the face as Fieldmarshall Boris leads the charge to conquer Little Engerland.”

Or there isn’t. If parliament is smart it’ll let Boris stay hoisted by his own petard until he’s so drained he scurries back to the lab and remains forevermore underground.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *