Boris Johnson overcomes No Deal cheese shortages by building a bridge to the moon

Building bridges! Weak and wobbly Premier Boris Johnson has wheeled out one of his old favourites to solve some of the expected food shortages after a No Deal Brexit. He wants to build a bridge to the moon to ease cheese supplies.

It’s a cheesy peasy solution to a sleazy problem. No supplies of Brie, Gouda or Emmenthal? What the country needs is different supply chains, says Johnson. There’s a great big ball of cheese in the sky, waiting for someone with the vision and belief to exploit it. Who needs the Tower of Babel, when we can have the Bridge of BabyBel?

Britain’s leading civil engineers have been rather uncivil about the idea. “It’s completely mad, unfeasible bollocks,” claimed construction expert Archie Tecture. “It’s a moving target almost a quarter of a million miles away. Boris Johnson is talking out of his arse again.”

In the interests of balance, the BBC gave equal weight on its most recent bulletin to an ignorant Boris bumlicker, who dismissed the Project Fearmonger as an elite remoaner talking the country down again.

So nobody knows what to think or who to believe. Which suits Boris Johnson just fine, of course.

There is an additional problem. Moon scientists have also been pouring cold water on Johnson’s grand plan. “I’m sorry to have to say this,” said leading loony Moonie Clair de Lune. “But the moon is actually made from dusty old rocks, not delicious cheese. This is real life, not an episode of Wallace and Gromit!”

None of this has had the remotest effect upon Boris Johnson. A Bridge over Troubled Westminster promises to solve cheese shortages and provide much-needed employment. Johnson has already requisitioned another £2.1bn from Chancellor Sajid Javid to spaff up the wall on this project.

Rumours circulating suggest that the proposal is already being painted on to the side of a big red bus.

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