THE ART AND CRAFTS OF WAR : Beleaguered Tory starlet, Boris Johnson, has moved to round out his image today by revealing what he does in his spare time.
“Well people think he’s just a big blonde joke,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “and we’re buggered if we know why. He’s posed with the police and only one of them fainted. He’s turned up to parliament, in order to show off his democracy creds, before closing it. He’s even got himself photographed with a giant bull, to show where he gets his spending commitments.”
But bafflingly none of that has achieved the silverback status it was expected to. Even though the team behind all these PR wins is the same one that thought up the smash hit media win of the Jeremy Corbyn chicken boxes.
“So we thought it’s time to show his personal side. His arts and crafts. Give people a view into the inner swirling cesspit that is their prime minister, by having him talk about what he does in his spare time?”
And what does he do?
“Drinks a lot of wine, clearly, just to cope with the unbelievable mess he’s making of being PM. And then uses the empty wine boxes to make subservient parliaments. He even paints little faces on to show all the MPs cheering in support of whatever fascist bit of nonsense he decrees law. It’s very relaxing for him. It’s like affirmations.”
That will endear him to the people. Has he made a Parliament today?
“Yes. And he followed it up by drinking even more, getting absolutely hammered, and making a general election out of the empties too. Although we don’t know if he won it, as he spilled some wine on a real sofa and had to leg it.”