NOTHING TO SEE HERE MOVE ALONG : The Government of the United Kingston is closing the people’s parliament for five weeks from tonight in order to safeguard representative democracy.
“It will also give those undemocratic, unelected busybodies in the E.U. something to chew over,” a Downing Street source commented, “they want to see how we do democracy? Well, we will show them how. But not doing it.”
It’s unclear how MPs will be expected to spend the bonus five weeks of additional leave from Westminster, but many expect Tory MPs to spend the time drafting resignation letters.
“To be honest and to be absolutely clear,” the source continued, “MPs need time to recover after the treatment dished out to them by Boris Johnson and unelected head of state Dominic Cummings last week. Some of them nearly asphyxiated from laughing when Philip Lee crossed the floor.”
But the government will not be idle in the bonus time.
“Total campaign mode. Day in and day out of Bojo feeling the love of his people. We’re having a general election just as soon as we reopen parliament and they let us. We’re going to spend millions before the caps kick in. Social media companies will love it. Go long in them right now, it’s boom times.”
The move is a complete surprise to some though. Proroguing parliament for this extraordinary length does deprive the PM of facing opposition leaders at PMQ’s and he won’t be able to face select committee either.
“That’s not all bad. It’ll save the MPs on the select committees from being embarrassed by Mr Johnson’s commitment to hard work and detail.”
Representative democracy. Someone does it. Just not here and not now.