Boris Johnson confirms no plan to build a bridge from wherever he is to the truth

IF YOU BUILD IT HE STILL WON’T COME : FAMOUS PLANNER OF HEAVY INFRASTRUCTURE, Boris deCollapsil Johnson, has confirmed there is one project he has no intention of planning anytime soon.

Speaking directly to a captive audience of lobotomy subjects and bot factory social media accounts, the outgoing prime minister of the United Kingdom said he did want to construct something in his memory.

“But it won’t be a bridge to the truth,” he confirmed, before smirking, shrugging, ruffling his hair and pretending to do something with a tablet, “for a start I’d have to find out where I’m starting from. My guess is it is a long way from that particular destination. Raab is onto it, he’s going to work out where we are. But I wouldn’t hold your breath. The last time he looked at the compass he got brain freeze and stomped about with his hand pressed to his eye for several minutes.”

The assertion is a change for Mr Johnson though, long known as someone who is keen to pick up projects begun by other people and then claim the credit for the effort.

But just because the famous builder isn’t planning to lay the foundation stones for what would be the longest bridge ever constructed in the history of humankind, doesn’t mean that it won’t get built.

“The public inquiries into this sorry Brexit fiasco will make short work of the long distance build,” our Truth Will Out correspondent said, “the first step is to get the Brexiters out of power. After that we can start to hold them to account. The architects of this calamity will be called. Some of them may even be indicted. Some may even end up in prison. Who can say? I guess some will go into exile first. But the bridge will get built. And it will get built by the will of the people. If it doesn’t we’re all stuffed.”

And it’s certain, when the time comes, that one of the chief architects of the humiliating and shameful catastrophe engulfing the UK, will be asked to cut the ribbon.

“We may have to drag him out of whatever hole in the ground he’s hiding in at the time,” our correspondent adds, “or stop him playing dead in a ditch. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

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