The Twat Of The Year competition arouses strong emotions. The 2016 winner, David Cameron has reacted angrily to the 2019 shortlist. He has called leading contender Boris Johnson a twat.
The spat erupted through the hallowed pages of The Times, in contrast to the inane, insane Twitter rantings of the orange Oval Officer over the pond. “I hate to have to say it, but one is afraid that one’s esteemed friend and colleague, Boris Johnson, is a bit of a twat,” he wrote.
“Talk about calling a spade a fucking shovel,” came the robust response from Boris Johnson’s bunker “That fucker screwed the country with that fuck-up of a referendum then buggered off to his fucking shed,” is what our source claimed Boris’ spokesman said. “That twat doesn’t realise how much of a twat he really is!”
This year’s competition is hotter than ever. Apart from Love Island contestants and Kardashians, almost every sitting MP has been nominated, although bankers like Theresa May and Chris Grayling have been discounted for resigning untwattishly.
Johnson remains the favourite, although Michael Gove is close behind. Indeed, Gove was heard to remark, on his nomination by Cameron, that it was “like being savaged by a dead pig’s head”.
It is difficult to be more twattish than calling a referendum without proper forethought, in order to silence a bunch of immature bully boys, then hiding in a shed when it all went tits up.
But Johnson has managed to trump Cameron. Johnson, the balloon who became Prime Minister, is still full of hot air, even though he has let his country down, his party down and himself down. The deflated windbag is no more than a twat in a bunker.
A twat by any other name would smell… like a twat. The competition has been suspended to ensure that Boris wins.