HE’S THERE ALL WEEK : Boris Johnson’s unelected, undemocratic pun writer has hit back today at suggestions people should be taking Boris Johnson’s premiership seriously.
“It’s just a joke,” Dom “Short” Cummings hissed, “you people should get out of London more. There’s plenty of people to shout jokes at in the shires.”
Quite why anyone is taking Mr Johnson’s time at 10 Downing Street seriously is a bit of a mystery. It’s potentially explained by the damage his non-stop gagathon is causing.
“Are you not entertained?” our political analyst wanted to know, “day after day another gaffe, another poorly executed crap strategy which backfires, another video of people shouting their anger at Mr Johnson. It’s a proper carnival. Slapstick politics as entertainment. It’s how you run a modern, industrialised, representative democracy. Without representatives! It’s a hoot.”
But it seems not everyone is getting the joke.
“They need to play the exchange markets. Sterling is a proper rodeo horse. It’s exhilarating.”
But just to make sure everyone is on the same page, a Downing Street source advised us of other things which are just a joke.
“The smearing of the judiciary. That’s one. Lying to the Queen. The book burnings planned for November on College Green. The expulsion of thought criminals. The intentional designing of an immigration system to deter anyone from staying or coming to the UK. The list is a long one.”
But just in case anyone was in any doubt about how big the joke of Boris Johnson’s premiership was, 10 Downing Street offered a final bit of clarity.
“The jokes on all of you. Global Britons. You’re the punchline. Do you like it? If you don’t then you should Revoke Article 50. That would be the democratic equivalent of hitting the big button on a TV talent show that makes the tired, flatlining act stop.”