WHAT MAKES YOU GREEN AT THE GILLS : Exciting news for people who like a good political stink today with the announcement that short serving premier Boris Johnson has bottled it.
“It’s the smell of a Luxembourg press conference combined with facing parliament,” our resident ‘nose’ reports, “just one whiff and you’ll be whisked away to a place of stale jockstraps, discarded for the maids, toast racks and chaps laughing like hyenas. And of course, the ever mounting fear of failure at home.”
The bottle itself has been carefully designed to reflect Mr Johnson’s successes since succeeding Theresa May as the UK’s most useless, and damaging, prime minister.
“The bottle is entirely transparent and in the shape of a number six,” our nose continues, “although this can be inverted into a nine, for when Mr Johnson completes his next day of parliamentary business. Whenever that will be, we can not know of course. But it was thought it wouldn’t be necessary to make editions of seven and eight. He’ll go straight to nine.”
But critics of the perfume have pointed out the need to shake it vigorously from side to side to activate the stench.
“That’s to remind everyone of when he faced down Leo Varadkar, and successfully reinforced prevailing windy perceptions of the UK with our nearest neighbours. To activate the most particles shake it out to the side and then in to your chest.”
And the fragrance is sure to be up everyone’s knows during the PR push this week.
“No less than the Supreme Court is judging it,” our nose snorted, “which is a great achievement so soon into Mr Johnson’s time at the top.”
LCD Views would like to thank 10 Downing Street once anticipation of receiving a complimentary crate of the perfume. We can guarantee we’ll pour it liberally down the drain.
“Bottled It”, by Boris Johnson, it smells just like his premiership.