Popular politician embarrassed daily by public on any topic definitely getting great last minute deal from EU

IF THE LIE FITS SAY IT : Global Britons are feeling positive and upbeat about the future, near and far, today as Boris Johnson continues to set the campaign trail ablaze.

“It’s a damn good thing he got that five week prorogation of Parliament through,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “that has given him four weeks, six and a half days to campaign in without parliamentary scrutiny, before a general election spending cap comes into force, and leaves him a few hours to scribble down some nonsense for the Queen to say. This just before parliament is suspended again for a general election anyway.”

But while it is outlandish to suggest evasion of scrutiny was the reason for suspending parliament, with Mr Johnson, scrutiny is still having its way.

“We really must do better at predicting what danger is waiting just around the corner each day,” the source continued, “we do have our best brain working on it, but you could not have seen it coming. No one could have foreseen an upset and anxious parent confronting Mr Johnson about the state of the NHS when he dropped in to an NHS hospital out of legitimate concern for the service.”

It’s a good thing Mr Johnson is so intellectually nimble.

“Yes. He reacted like a seasoned fighter pilot faced with a sudden threat. Talk about evasive manoeuvres! Telling the man that there was no press present when they were both standing metres from the press? Brilliant. That’s a move straight out of fifty shades of multi-dimensional chess.”

And the fast footwork has at least reassured the country regarding Mr Johnson’s stated reason for being in office.

“The general public are cunning, unpredictable and vicious. Seasoned hands at taking down politicians when they are surprised by them. It’s basically the only thing random members of the public are ever prepared for. You just wait and see how minced is Brussel’s meat when it comes to the last seconds of No Deal Brexit chicken.”

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