THE OLD ROMAN ROAD : The United Kingdom’s stock of people who’ve once passed a celebrity on the street looks in serious danger today as the southwest London suburb of Streatham became the scene of almost total devastation.
Early this morning reports began to filter out via a local mum’s group on social media that an outbreak of Black Death had begun. It’s believed to have been caused by the high anti-Brexit vote in the area in 2016.
“It was only a matter of time,” a Home Office source told LCD Views, “before the almost celebrity studded streets of Streatham, which are cheek by jowl with the suppurating Brixton slums (which coddle the plague bacteria by also being pro-EU), got hit. We are deeply concerned as this is a clear danger to the precious lives of people who have occasionally appeared on ITV4.”
But even as the bodies pile up out front of the Odeon cinema no action is being taken.
“To fight the outbreak of plague would weaken our negotiating hand with the EU,” the Home Office source confirmed, “if we aren’t prepared to let our own voters perish, what does that say to Junker?”
And with no government help forthcoming the local residents are having to organise and defend themselves.
“There’s a plague of hipster barbers along the long high road,” a correspondent reports from the scene, “these are now being overwhelmed by desperate local residents with bulging groin and armpit ulcers, demanding the barbers act like the surgeons of old. But as yet, the young barbers have only responded by offering a two for one on beard shampooing.”
It’s also believed the outbreak of new vaping shops are being hit by the yersini pestis smash and grab.
“A mob has formed outside several of the new shops. The demands seem to be that the entire stock of vaping liquid be vaped at once in a mass public ceremony in the hope of purifying the air and ridding SW16 of plague.”
The lack of official response has caused grave concern in areas north and south of SW16, as the long road that cuts through Lambeth and on to the coast will surely spread the plague in a swathe through south London.
“Ignore the hype over the fatality rate,” the Home Office source added, “each burning pyre of bodies brings the EU’s removal of the Irish Backstop from any Brexit Deal that much closer.”