NO PADDLES REQUIRED : Outgoing British, temporary, caretaker, rogue bull in a China shop, who didn’t have sexual relations with that woman, Prime Minister (to all our edification) Boris “shagger” Johnson has made a desperate last minute plea to the EU to save their Brexit Deal. Even more desperate than this paragraph.
“Look all they have to do is get in their canoe and use their hands to paddle along Brexit Creek until they find me, smack bang in the middle of it,” Mr Johnson said, while weirdly flexing his arms from side to side, “As Zeus, disguised as a rum bottle inside a brown paper bag, said to Agatha Christie, in the height of the Boer War, row with me, row, row, row my boat.”
Whether or not EU leaders will have the required level of British patriotism to agree to Mr Johnson’s generous offer is not yet clear.
“It’s because they’re frightened of our exceptionalism,” a think tank paid lackey said across most of the MSM, “they know we hold all the cards. And all the paddles. And all the canoes. It is really embarrassing how they’ve allowed themselves to be backed into such a corner. We have offered them imaginative, and flexible solutions to the difficulties they’ve gotten themselves into with Brexit. But what did we get in response to May’s red lines? Or to Mr Johnson’s unrealistic attempt to bluff them into throwing the Irish under the bus so a bunch of neo-fascist, hard right idiots could remake the UK as Singapore on the Thames? The closed fist of reality. What has reality got to do with Brexit?”
What Mr Johnson will do if the EU refuse to get into a paddle-less canoe and use their hands to push aside the Brexit turds in Brexit creek isn’t entirely clear. But a 10 Downing Street ‘source’ has some ideas.
“We’re going to barricade ourselves inside Buckingham Palace,” the source advised, “that’ll learn them. After we’ve done that we’re going to take our trousers off and stand on the roof mooning towards the continent. The German carmakers won’t be able to stand it. We’ll get that last minute Brexit deal.”
But others aren’t quite so sure, suggesting that Brexit has made the UK a laughing stock and that the sooner we get out of Shit Creek, the better.