CERTAIN JOURNALISTS WORK AS HARD ON THEIR STORIES AS WE DO NOWADAYS : THE BBC, Peston (Come back to us Robert! Escape Brexit befuddlement! You used to be so good!), Times, Sun and a few others won’t have the leap on the 10 Downing Street ‘Source’ scoops anymore. The results from an exhaustive investigation by LCD Views which pinpointed the source for all the source leaks.
“It’s a leaky Victorian sewer outlet located behind 10 Downing Street,” our undercover reporter reveals exclusively today, “going undercover as a roll of bog paper I was able to gain access to the innermost recesses of 10 Downing Street and trace the leaks from source to source. I will now be taking a break to recover my sanity, but not before revealing what I know.”
And what our source reveals about the source of the 10 Downing Street source is explosive.
“Seriously, what do they eat in that place? What drugs do they over take? Some of the sights I witnessed while in situ were just ghastly.”
But it was a price worth paying.
“Here’s how it happens. The now infamous SPAD to Johnson, Short Cummings, first completes a summoning ceremony, calling on the wisdom of devils ancient, before going into a special tiled room to channel the wisDOM received through the ether. This is communicated via a truly frightening procedure on top of a porcelain bowl. Whatever emerges is then immediately translated into that day’s strategy to deliver Brexit.”
So you’re saying the executive’s governing strategy, each and every day, is currently whatever shit Dominic Cummings comes up with, each and every day?
“Yes. Although we hardly needed to send me uncover to get the scoop. And if you just wait by the overflowing Victorian sewer that carries away his and Boris Johnson’s deepest, darkest thoughts, you can get the scoop too. Not that you’d necessarily want to.”