DON’T STOP MOVING : They seek him here, they seek him there, those lawyers, they seek him everywhere.
Embattled British Prime Minister, Boris ‘Shagger’ Johnson, has broken the marathon speed record, set only yesterday, by Eliud Kipchoge in Vienna. And he’s done so with no pacers or lasers, just his own will and determination to remain free. Oh, and a route marked out by Dom ‘Short’ Cummings.
While official confirmation is still to be handed down by the relevant authorities (as with most things Boris), we can confirm that the blonde streak of something ran the 26.2 miles in 1hr 30mins.
Hair dancing in the wind, arms flailing by his side, he could perhaps improve on the time if he had better physical form.
“He’s still running,” our sporting chance correspondent says, “he was last seen crossing the Pont Hafren, and is expected to leave mainland UK later today and race across a mind bridge on the sea.”
His actual target destination isn’t clear, but the motivation for the blistering speed allegedly is.
“He’s legging it from the GLA inquiry into his relationship with the Bill Gates of pole dancing, Jennifer Arcuri,” our correspondent informs, “it’s likely he will cross Ireland and continue across the Atlantic. We expect he will make landfall on the east coast of the United States before month end.”
We would advise Boris Johnson takes a sharp turn as he approaches continental North America and goes south. Touching down in the USA may time with the culmination of the impeachment proceedings of Donald Trump and he wouldn’t want to find himself embroiled in all that too.
The only question is will the GLA be fast enough to catch up with Mr Johnson? It’ll have to be quick because Brexit realities are already hot on his heels and closing in from all sides.
We’re not sure what time Mr Johnson will eventually record, or serve up, but there’s the ever growing feeling that his time is almost up…