THIS CABINET WILL EAT THEMSELVES : The Police are feeling the impact of a decade’s cuts more than usual today after Home Office Secretary, and former advocate of bringing back capital punishment, Priti Patel, ordered all vegetables in the UK placed under house arrest.
The disgraced former Secretary for International Development, who had to resign under May for attempting to secretly send overseas aid money to a foreign military, took the extreme decision because of vegetables invading central London to protest against the looming extinction of life on Earth.
“Carrots, broccoli (clearly), potatoes and other vegetables are finding themselves confined to fridge vegetable drawers today and guarded by a member of the Met,” a spokesprout for Ms Patel reassured the public, “this is to protect the public from raising awareness of the preventable mass extinction scheduled for this century.”
Clearly red faced chunks of gammon will still be free to barge about the capital, raising their hands in flat palmed salutes and threatening violence to anti-Brexit protestors. As that is acceptable to the rogue, minority government of Mr Johnson and chums.
Plans are also in place to outlaw the carrying of asparagus spears in public on grounds of public safety.
“If you ever wondered why Ms Patel always has that malevolent smirk fixed to her face, now you know. Her childhood dream of running a police state and arresting people exercising their right to protest is now coming true.”
But the order has had some unintended consequences.
A meeting of the governing cabinet, scheduled for today, had to be postponed after half the ministers failed to turn up.
“They have been located inside fridge drawers and will be freed as quickly as Ms Patel is able to stop smirking about it.”
Members of the cabinet identified as gammon were in attendance and feeling much safer in the awareness that all pineapples were confined to their homes.
In unrelated news, everyone is really relaxed about opposition parties complacency regarding bringing Johnson down and forming a GNU now that the streets are safe from the threat of brassicaceae…